It's been a bad, self destructive week. I've made a decision with my future and what i'm going to do with it if I decide I even have one.
I've never been more convinced about who cares and who doesn't right now.
All I can say is .. i'm heartbroken.
Maybe tonight I won't cry myself to sleep. But that's probably a lie. Yesterday I was so close to giving up on everything. I am thinking I should have.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
but really I'm the only one who's bounced back
Is it too late? I really don't know. I guess not. But it won't be the same. And I don't want different. If that makes any sense. I don't even know where to begin.
I talked to Brian this weekend. It's been three months. I just popped on my old sn to get a friends sn I forgot to add to the new one and he sends me a message. Right then, my mind should be screaming - SIGN OFF SIGN OFF SIGN OFF -
Yet here I am. Answering it. I've interestingly enough found out that he's now working at Best Buy. Another job that he'll leave in a few months. I've also found out that in his current relationship he's bored and / or miserable. Okay, he didn't say it. But when he starts revisiting our past and trying to suck up to me and make me think the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that he cared but made mistakes so that moments later he could start talking about the "things" we did together. He asked if thinking about him ever turned me on.
I said no.
He said he didn't believe me and asked again.
I said no and then said the only thing I feel is sorry. Sorry for him and sorry for whatever girl he's convinced he loves this week. The guy is a trainwreck. Wants to go out and buy a gun before he even gets his GED. Having a gun will make him feel cool. God I wish he'd get himself checked out by a therapist. I can't even imagine what someone in that profession would say about that little fact. He's a poor excuse for a human being. He's a sick liar who uses, abuses and just downright fails at life. Yet I can't stop thinking about him because i've created some disgusting .. connection with him through some unbearable things that i've done.
I almost wish the huge bump, cyst whatever it is protruding from my hand was the cancerous tumor that i've been joking about. Then i'd have something else to break my heart. Brian's still doing it, God's still doing it. Why stop there? I've been in this house 90% of the summer. Thanks. Besides work and occasional family things..
I think i've made a new friend but i've only been talking to him online. He's nice. Been through shit with friends and a girl. He needs someone to hang out with and i'm considering it. Internet and everything though. I'm already supposed to have a friend .. wth. But, he's cool so far.
I am pretty positive Charlie is sick and I need to find out where to start with that. Because if she dies I don't know what i'll do. In a weird way, she's my best friend. She still loves me. And I love her a lot .. she's just a rabbit, but I love her a lot. Very much. I'm going to freak myself out thinking about it.
In the midst of all of this ... Flight of the Conchords still makes me smile.
Yis. Actually.
I talked to Brian this weekend. It's been three months. I just popped on my old sn to get a friends sn I forgot to add to the new one and he sends me a message. Right then, my mind should be screaming - SIGN OFF SIGN OFF SIGN OFF -
Yet here I am. Answering it. I've interestingly enough found out that he's now working at Best Buy. Another job that he'll leave in a few months. I've also found out that in his current relationship he's bored and / or miserable. Okay, he didn't say it. But when he starts revisiting our past and trying to suck up to me and make me think the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that he cared but made mistakes so that moments later he could start talking about the "things" we did together. He asked if thinking about him ever turned me on.
I said no.
He said he didn't believe me and asked again.
I said no and then said the only thing I feel is sorry. Sorry for him and sorry for whatever girl he's convinced he loves this week. The guy is a trainwreck. Wants to go out and buy a gun before he even gets his GED. Having a gun will make him feel cool. God I wish he'd get himself checked out by a therapist. I can't even imagine what someone in that profession would say about that little fact. He's a poor excuse for a human being. He's a sick liar who uses, abuses and just downright fails at life. Yet I can't stop thinking about him because i've created some disgusting .. connection with him through some unbearable things that i've done.
I almost wish the huge bump, cyst whatever it is protruding from my hand was the cancerous tumor that i've been joking about. Then i'd have something else to break my heart. Brian's still doing it, God's still doing it. Why stop there? I've been in this house 90% of the summer. Thanks. Besides work and occasional family things..
I think i've made a new friend but i've only been talking to him online. He's nice. Been through shit with friends and a girl. He needs someone to hang out with and i'm considering it. Internet and everything though. I'm already supposed to have a friend .. wth. But, he's cool so far.
I am pretty positive Charlie is sick and I need to find out where to start with that. Because if she dies I don't know what i'll do. In a weird way, she's my best friend. She still loves me. And I love her a lot .. she's just a rabbit, but I love her a lot. Very much. I'm going to freak myself out thinking about it.
In the midst of all of this ... Flight of the Conchords still makes me smile.
Yis. Actually.
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