I know it's hard for you to be a human being.

Bitch. Bitch. Mother fucking bitch bitch bitch.

I'm glad you noticed. Or you did, and don't care :) That's always nice too! By the way, note to Laura, no more fucking Smirnoffs for a long time. They burn.

How's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore ?

Why can't the ending be happy?

I sat down and just went over everything. Everything life is supposed to be and everything it isn't. Everything I deserve, everything i've done to deserve what i've been handed. Some of it I didn't deserve .. I don't deserve and I won't accept anymore. I'm sick of holding out hope maybe someone actually does give a shit. I am tired of hearing it but not seeing it. Merlin, there's so much i'd be willing to do for the people I love but now I don't want anyone to love. A conversation I had with Brian yesterday has convinced me that nothing will change. He'll never change. People will never change. Maybe i'll never change. But maybe i'll find someone who won't abandon me in the end - who won't want me to change.

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a fuck buddy, despite Brian's best -- but lame efforts and I don't want anyone close anymore. I'm sitting home alone right now. Just like the last .. how many months? I'm done waiting, thinking things will change eventually because deep down they really do care. What a joke. It's kind of pathetic. Sitting here crying all day because you realize the people you love don't love you ? Get it fucking together. I guess relying on other people is out of the question. My feelings are too hurt now and I don't even believe I have a friendship left.

I was a bit freaked out because he was like, "YOU WORKED TODAY!" and I was like, um yes, were you in the store? And he said no..and I asked how he knew and he said because you got home at three. But I was talking to him at like 5:30 so how did he know that? He wouldn't say. SO i'm confused. I am utterly suspicious he works at the Polaris Best Buy though. I went there after work really fast. He could have seen me. He told me he didn't work at that one, but we all know what a fat ass liar he is.

Speaking of fat asses. ME! No more eating. Back into that train of thought. I need to do something but it's so damn hard.

There's nothing more to take in.

It's too late and it's too bad.

At least then there’s still something to share with someone.

It's been a bad, self destructive week. I've made a decision with my future and what i'm going to do with it if I decide I even have one.

I've never been more convinced about who cares and who doesn't right now.

All I can say is .. i'm heartbroken.

Maybe tonight I won't cry myself to sleep. But that's probably a lie. Yesterday I was so close to giving up on everything. I am thinking I should have.

Music controls me.

but really I'm the only one who's bounced back

Is it too late? I really don't know. I guess not. But it won't be the same. And I don't want different. If that makes any sense. I don't even know where to begin.

I talked to Brian this weekend. It's been three months. I just popped on my old sn to get a friends sn I forgot to add to the new one and he sends me a message. Right then, my mind should be screaming - SIGN OFF SIGN OFF SIGN OFF -

Yet here I am. Answering it. I've interestingly enough found out that he's now working at Best Buy. Another job that he'll leave in a few months. I've also found out that in his current relationship he's bored and / or miserable. Okay, he didn't say it. But when he starts revisiting our past and trying to suck up to me and make me think the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that he cared but made mistakes so that moments later he could start talking about the "things" we did together. He asked if thinking about him ever turned me on.

I said no.

He said he didn't believe me and asked again.

I said no and then said the only thing I feel is sorry. Sorry for him and sorry for whatever girl he's convinced he loves this week. The guy is a trainwreck. Wants to go out and buy a gun before he even gets his GED. Having a gun will make him feel cool. God I wish he'd get himself checked out by a therapist. I can't even imagine what someone in that profession would say about that little fact. He's a poor excuse for a human being. He's a sick liar who uses, abuses and just downright fails at life. Yet I can't stop thinking about him because i've created some disgusting .. connection with him through some unbearable things that i've done.

I almost wish the huge bump, cyst whatever it is protruding from my hand was the cancerous tumor that i've been joking about. Then i'd have something else to break my heart. Brian's still doing it, God's still doing it. Why stop there? I've been in this house 90% of the summer. Thanks. Besides work and occasional family things..

I think i've made a new friend but i've only been talking to him online. He's nice. Been through shit with friends and a girl. He needs someone to hang out with and i'm considering it. Internet and everything though. I'm already supposed to have a friend .. wth. But, he's cool so far.

I am pretty positive Charlie is sick and I need to find out where to start with that. Because if she dies I don't know what i'll do. In a weird way, she's my best friend. She still loves me. And I love her a lot .. she's just a rabbit, but I love her a lot. Very much. I'm going to freak myself out thinking about it.

In the midst of all of this ... Flight of the Conchords still makes me smile.

Yis. Actually.

Stronger Than Blood.

Wow. I really want to be over it. Just completely over it. I want to move on and care about somebody new. I am just taking it day by day I guess. I'm tired of being jerked around. Why do I let it happen to me? Why would I let someone jerk me around when I know it's exactly what he's doing? Maybe I just don't think I could do better. It's sad, but it's true. One day I don't give a shit and the next something gets me thinking and it starts all over. I want to be normal and I want to be able to hate him for everything. I guess my emotions got twisted enough that it's hard to let go. It's not really obsession or insanity. It's just..I put up with a lot of lies and shit because of how I felt about the person he was pretending to be in the beginning.

When the dark flood came, we wrapped ourselves inside a dirty blanket citing different opinions on whether we should move. ehen the houses came, they ate up everyone like they were fishes saying, "Come on, come on it's the end of the world." And then I saw your face, you're turning skin into a dirty secret. I watched the beauties, watched the fire and the fire burn the beauty in their eyes. When I took the blame, we layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase, we're yelling, "someone's got the answers, but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found!" If you knew I was dying would it change you? So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die. Because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes. When I fly solo, I fly so high - don't touch me now. We all deserve something.

I hate feeling like i'd still do anything to be with someone...who doesn't deserve it, or want it.