I know it's hard for you to be a human being.

Bitch. Bitch. Mother fucking bitch bitch bitch.

I'm glad you noticed. Or you did, and don't care :) That's always nice too! By the way, note to Laura, no more fucking Smirnoffs for a long time. They burn.

How's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore ?

Why can't the ending be happy?

I sat down and just went over everything. Everything life is supposed to be and everything it isn't. Everything I deserve, everything i've done to deserve what i've been handed. Some of it I didn't deserve .. I don't deserve and I won't accept anymore. I'm sick of holding out hope maybe someone actually does give a shit. I am tired of hearing it but not seeing it. Merlin, there's so much i'd be willing to do for the people I love but now I don't want anyone to love. A conversation I had with Brian yesterday has convinced me that nothing will change. He'll never change. People will never change. Maybe i'll never change. But maybe i'll find someone who won't abandon me in the end - who won't want me to change.

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a fuck buddy, despite Brian's best -- but lame efforts and I don't want anyone close anymore. I'm sitting home alone right now. Just like the last .. how many months? I'm done waiting, thinking things will change eventually because deep down they really do care. What a joke. It's kind of pathetic. Sitting here crying all day because you realize the people you love don't love you ? Get it fucking together. I guess relying on other people is out of the question. My feelings are too hurt now and I don't even believe I have a friendship left.

I was a bit freaked out because he was like, "YOU WORKED TODAY!" and I was like, um yes, were you in the store? And he said no..and I asked how he knew and he said because you got home at three. But I was talking to him at like 5:30 so how did he know that? He wouldn't say. SO i'm confused. I am utterly suspicious he works at the Polaris Best Buy though. I went there after work really fast. He could have seen me. He told me he didn't work at that one, but we all know what a fat ass liar he is.

Speaking of fat asses. ME! No more eating. Back into that train of thought. I need to do something but it's so damn hard.

There's nothing more to take in.

It's too late and it's too bad.

At least then there’s still something to share with someone.

It's been a bad, self destructive week. I've made a decision with my future and what i'm going to do with it if I decide I even have one.

I've never been more convinced about who cares and who doesn't right now.

All I can say is .. i'm heartbroken.

Maybe tonight I won't cry myself to sleep. But that's probably a lie. Yesterday I was so close to giving up on everything. I am thinking I should have.

Music controls me.

but really I'm the only one who's bounced back

Is it too late? I really don't know. I guess not. But it won't be the same. And I don't want different. If that makes any sense. I don't even know where to begin.

I talked to Brian this weekend. It's been three months. I just popped on my old sn to get a friends sn I forgot to add to the new one and he sends me a message. Right then, my mind should be screaming - SIGN OFF SIGN OFF SIGN OFF -

Yet here I am. Answering it. I've interestingly enough found out that he's now working at Best Buy. Another job that he'll leave in a few months. I've also found out that in his current relationship he's bored and / or miserable. Okay, he didn't say it. But when he starts revisiting our past and trying to suck up to me and make me think the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that he cared but made mistakes so that moments later he could start talking about the "things" we did together. He asked if thinking about him ever turned me on.

I said no.

He said he didn't believe me and asked again.

I said no and then said the only thing I feel is sorry. Sorry for him and sorry for whatever girl he's convinced he loves this week. The guy is a trainwreck. Wants to go out and buy a gun before he even gets his GED. Having a gun will make him feel cool. God I wish he'd get himself checked out by a therapist. I can't even imagine what someone in that profession would say about that little fact. He's a poor excuse for a human being. He's a sick liar who uses, abuses and just downright fails at life. Yet I can't stop thinking about him because i've created some disgusting .. connection with him through some unbearable things that i've done.

I almost wish the huge bump, cyst whatever it is protruding from my hand was the cancerous tumor that i've been joking about. Then i'd have something else to break my heart. Brian's still doing it, God's still doing it. Why stop there? I've been in this house 90% of the summer. Thanks. Besides work and occasional family things..

I think i've made a new friend but i've only been talking to him online. He's nice. Been through shit with friends and a girl. He needs someone to hang out with and i'm considering it. Internet and everything though. I'm already supposed to have a friend .. wth. But, he's cool so far.

I am pretty positive Charlie is sick and I need to find out where to start with that. Because if she dies I don't know what i'll do. In a weird way, she's my best friend. She still loves me. And I love her a lot .. she's just a rabbit, but I love her a lot. Very much. I'm going to freak myself out thinking about it.

In the midst of all of this ... Flight of the Conchords still makes me smile.

Yis. Actually.

Stronger Than Blood.

Wow. I really want to be over it. Just completely over it. I want to move on and care about somebody new. I am just taking it day by day I guess. I'm tired of being jerked around. Why do I let it happen to me? Why would I let someone jerk me around when I know it's exactly what he's doing? Maybe I just don't think I could do better. It's sad, but it's true. One day I don't give a shit and the next something gets me thinking and it starts all over. I want to be normal and I want to be able to hate him for everything. I guess my emotions got twisted enough that it's hard to let go. It's not really obsession or insanity. It's just..I put up with a lot of lies and shit because of how I felt about the person he was pretending to be in the beginning.

When the dark flood came, we wrapped ourselves inside a dirty blanket citing different opinions on whether we should move. ehen the houses came, they ate up everyone like they were fishes saying, "Come on, come on it's the end of the world." And then I saw your face, you're turning skin into a dirty secret. I watched the beauties, watched the fire and the fire burn the beauty in their eyes. When I took the blame, we layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase, we're yelling, "someone's got the answers, but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found!" If you knew I was dying would it change you? So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die. Because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes. When I fly solo, I fly so high - don't touch me now. We all deserve something.

I hate feeling like i'd still do anything to be with someone...who doesn't deserve it, or want it.

Painful and Real Slow

It's funny how someone you love so much can turn it around on you so fast. I've gone through best friends and i've grown apart from all of them in the past. It just happens. Obviously, i'm doing something wrong. But, i'm stubborn. I do what I do and I think what I think. I like to make my feelings clear and I have. When people say things will change and then they don't I move on. I don't leave things hanging. I don't just accept that things are different when they don't need to be. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. It offends me and I'm sensitive to the fact that one day I can be the best friend in the world to you and the next i'm nothing. I can't stomach it. I can't accept it. I don't care if i've faded or if i've been downgraded. I don't do demotions, I quit. Not that i'm saying there aren't things that can change and that things always have to be my way. But there is a point to where i'm going to accept it or say fuck it. I say fuck it. Fuck this all. 99% of us are failures. I am one of them here. Don't tell me to try harder when your tries are half hearted and full of shit. I don't know how many times I can explain myself in a clear manner. There are only so many nights that I can sit home alone knowing everyone is out doing things without me.

Everything good is happening somewhere else.

True statement. I'm tired of hearing that i'm wanted - and then nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes right. Sure, throw out a few lame invites that are ridiculous. Ask me to one movie that you never follow through on after I say when I can see it. Never invite me to the movies that someone else will see with you, but throw me a bone when no one else wants to go with you. It's not like that? Then hm. How come everything else is being done and seen without me ? Why can this be the one time i'm invited? I'm not going to be the one to call YOU when I know you're out doing shit and invite myself to hang out. What the hell ? How can someone expect that of me? It begins to make someone feel like a right loser when that happens.

In the end - I really don't think that shit matters. I think it's the fact I really fucking needed someone to be here for me while someone else I loved was abandoning me. I never expected it to happen twice.

I'd rather be alone than apart of a - whatever. Things are not how they used to be and it's not my fault. I'm still Laura. Maybe that's the problem. But it's not the whole problem. This has happened before. I guess it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice? Shame on me. I've been hurt too much this year. No more getting close to people. No more caring. No more giving a shit.

Everybody leaves. Everyone lets you down. It's time to be happy with myself. I can't do that with you and everyone else making me feel like shit.

I could start riot

I just wonder for the most part about how I would be if I was left with any self esteem. I really didn't think I could lose any more. What would my personality be like if I were pretty, smart or if by some miracle I had talent. Maybe I do have talent. Maybe it's hidden and i've not discovered it yet. I can't sing, I can't write and so far I've not found anything else that I can do that really counts as a talent. I want a normal, healthy life but somewhere in my mind I know that i'm screwed. I can't seem to have a normal relationship with a male. I don't know why but I always screw it up somehow. Well, maybe. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it is on some level but maybe the guys I see are complete douche - s. I seem to have dated nothing but ASSHOLES my whole life.

Examples.
Mike Morgan. Dumped me in the 8th grade. The eighth fucking grade. Because I wouldn't have sex with him. Right.
Matt Johnson. Probably my most normal boyfriend. Well, normal relationship. He's not a normal person. But he's not a bad one, so there is a plus.
Derek Scharenberg. Probably the biggest fucker besides Brian that i've dated or whatever. Slept with my best friend. That says it all. I probably helped cause a lot of the fights there..but yes.
Sean Barry. Not a real relationship there. Not at all really. But, he's a good person, a good musician and he's a friend. I'll always care about him.

After Derek, I stopped really dating ... altogether. Then years later, here comes Brian.

Brian Rayborne. And I thought I had issues. This boy lies about things that he doesn't fucking even need to lie about. He has some sick mental problem with lying. If you asked him something as simple as his favorite color, his first instinct would be to lie. Unfortunately, I found this out way too fucking late. I fell in love with the boy. Besides Torin, who I love on a different level, this is probably the first boy I've ever fallen in love with. I told him very very very personal things because he was very approachable and easy to talk to. He used everything I told him about me to use me. If I were in an emo band and wrote and sang lyrics? Every fucking song would be about him. He used things that have scarred me and damaged me to convince me that he loved me. Which is fucking hilarious, because I resisted. For three whole months, I never said the words back to him. He said them to me at the beginning, in the middle, at the end of most of our conversations. I never said them back. He'd ask if I loved him, i'd be honest and say "I don't know." Still, i'm blown away by him. He seemed and acted like a great guy. All of my family well..hated him it seemed. They all thought he was a jerk. I was asked numerous times by my father what I saw in him. What did I see? Something that wasn't even there. Something I said, I could see and I knew how great he was but they couldn't see it yet. Hah. Don't I feel like an idiot? He talked me into bed. Something so un-characteristic of me. Something I wanted to save until I was married. Something he used to get me there was how I lost my virginity. Which is a sick story in which I was taken advantage of at a friends house after using the word no quite a few times. My family always wanted to know after say, 10th grade I started getting VERY insecure, putting on weight and well, just dressing crazy. You know. Hoodies in the summer? Jeans ALL the time. Bathing suit? FUCK NO. It's not because I thought I was horribly fat. It was for other reasons. Reasons that I told Brian. Reasons that he -sympathized- and manipulated to get me to do things I WOULD never do unless I fell in love with someone. Finally, one day after having a fun, sweet day just hanging out with him, I finally say I love you back. I finally tell him I love him. The next day ? Where the fuck is he? The next week, where the fuck is he? He ditches me completely. Removes me from myspace, won't take my calls, ignores me 100%. Every message I leave, send or even WILL to his mind. Ignored. He went out and found a girlfriend. WTH. He wasn't my b/f. According to him, we had a relationship, i'm his "ex" but it was never official? Why? He just got out of a really bad relationship. Wanted to focus on his job and getting a GED for awhile but I was "the only girl he cared about, the only girl he was pursuing, the only girl." Well, the whole time he was hanging out with me and seeing me he was fucking his ex-girlfriend who he told I was obsessed with and wouldn't take his "I just want to be friends" for an answer, when hilariously enough, he never once said to me. Of course, he was lying to her as well and told her 100 millions lies about me and to me 100 million lies about her. He was so arrogant he even made us meet to be friends. LMAO. I GAVE him plenty of opportunuties to say it. To tell me the truth. He didn't. Why? So he could keep using me. Not to mention how freaking mad or jealous he'd get with me when i'd start suspecting any of his excuses or stories to be lies. Why didn't I go with my gut instincts?

Boys. It's funny. I think i've only really cared about a few. I've had about 100 million crushes. I can probably honestly say I really cared about Matt, ANOTHER Matt, Sean and Jeremy. Those were probably my 'defining crushes' or bfs that lasted longer than a week. I love Torin, though he's just a friend to me now. I loved Brian and look how well that was. I need to find .. I don't even know. Something. I tend to have crushes on guys who don't give a shit about me. Who don't care to. Who love the attention from me until they find someone better.

Next time you wonder why i'm anti social? Now you know. I can't meet people anymore. Everyone's turning out to be such disappointments. Doesn't anyone just want something real anymore? Same goes for my friends. Or lack thereof. I am only connecting with...Torin, Mel. Cade..Liz..Tonya..Ashley. None of them live here of course. Yet they are here. If I need to talk .. or whine or just..whatever They're here. It's funny that the people who are here can't even manage that. It's sad I can honesty say I have no friends right now. That's not an emo statement. I think i'm content. Sure, i'm lonely, but I know i'm a good person. I'd do anything for my friends. I've been there for quite a few friends after boys have dumped them .. anything. Yet i'm going through this awful thing. Driving myself literally insane, disorderly and sick over something and who's here that I could possibly talk to? Just .. relax with, cry with. What the fuck ever? No one I thought would be.

I'm juror 017. But I think nameless wonder passing partial judgement is much better.