I could start riot

I just wonder for the most part about how I would be if I was left with any self esteem. I really didn't think I could lose any more. What would my personality be like if I were pretty, smart or if by some miracle I had talent. Maybe I do have talent. Maybe it's hidden and i've not discovered it yet. I can't sing, I can't write and so far I've not found anything else that I can do that really counts as a talent. I want a normal, healthy life but somewhere in my mind I know that i'm screwed. I can't seem to have a normal relationship with a male. I don't know why but I always screw it up somehow. Well, maybe. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it is on some level but maybe the guys I see are complete douche - s. I seem to have dated nothing but ASSHOLES my whole life.

Examples.
Mike Morgan. Dumped me in the 8th grade. The eighth fucking grade. Because I wouldn't have sex with him. Right.
Matt Johnson. Probably my most normal boyfriend. Well, normal relationship. He's not a normal person. But he's not a bad one, so there is a plus.
Derek Scharenberg. Probably the biggest fucker besides Brian that i've dated or whatever. Slept with my best friend. That says it all. I probably helped cause a lot of the fights there..but yes.
Sean Barry. Not a real relationship there. Not at all really. But, he's a good person, a good musician and he's a friend. I'll always care about him.

After Derek, I stopped really dating ... altogether. Then years later, here comes Brian.

Brian Rayborne. And I thought I had issues. This boy lies about things that he doesn't fucking even need to lie about. He has some sick mental problem with lying. If you asked him something as simple as his favorite color, his first instinct would be to lie. Unfortunately, I found this out way too fucking late. I fell in love with the boy. Besides Torin, who I love on a different level, this is probably the first boy I've ever fallen in love with. I told him very very very personal things because he was very approachable and easy to talk to. He used everything I told him about me to use me. If I were in an emo band and wrote and sang lyrics? Every fucking song would be about him. He used things that have scarred me and damaged me to convince me that he loved me. Which is fucking hilarious, because I resisted. For three whole months, I never said the words back to him. He said them to me at the beginning, in the middle, at the end of most of our conversations. I never said them back. He'd ask if I loved him, i'd be honest and say "I don't know." Still, i'm blown away by him. He seemed and acted like a great guy. All of my family well..hated him it seemed. They all thought he was a jerk. I was asked numerous times by my father what I saw in him. What did I see? Something that wasn't even there. Something I said, I could see and I knew how great he was but they couldn't see it yet. Hah. Don't I feel like an idiot? He talked me into bed. Something so un-characteristic of me. Something I wanted to save until I was married. Something he used to get me there was how I lost my virginity. Which is a sick story in which I was taken advantage of at a friends house after using the word no quite a few times. My family always wanted to know after say, 10th grade I started getting VERY insecure, putting on weight and well, just dressing crazy. You know. Hoodies in the summer? Jeans ALL the time. Bathing suit? FUCK NO. It's not because I thought I was horribly fat. It was for other reasons. Reasons that I told Brian. Reasons that he -sympathized- and manipulated to get me to do things I WOULD never do unless I fell in love with someone. Finally, one day after having a fun, sweet day just hanging out with him, I finally say I love you back. I finally tell him I love him. The next day ? Where the fuck is he? The next week, where the fuck is he? He ditches me completely. Removes me from myspace, won't take my calls, ignores me 100%. Every message I leave, send or even WILL to his mind. Ignored. He went out and found a girlfriend. WTH. He wasn't my b/f. According to him, we had a relationship, i'm his "ex" but it was never official? Why? He just got out of a really bad relationship. Wanted to focus on his job and getting a GED for awhile but I was "the only girl he cared about, the only girl he was pursuing, the only girl." Well, the whole time he was hanging out with me and seeing me he was fucking his ex-girlfriend who he told I was obsessed with and wouldn't take his "I just want to be friends" for an answer, when hilariously enough, he never once said to me. Of course, he was lying to her as well and told her 100 millions lies about me and to me 100 million lies about her. He was so arrogant he even made us meet to be friends. LMAO. I GAVE him plenty of opportunuties to say it. To tell me the truth. He didn't. Why? So he could keep using me. Not to mention how freaking mad or jealous he'd get with me when i'd start suspecting any of his excuses or stories to be lies. Why didn't I go with my gut instincts?

Boys. It's funny. I think i've only really cared about a few. I've had about 100 million crushes. I can probably honestly say I really cared about Matt, ANOTHER Matt, Sean and Jeremy. Those were probably my 'defining crushes' or bfs that lasted longer than a week. I love Torin, though he's just a friend to me now. I loved Brian and look how well that was. I need to find .. I don't even know. Something. I tend to have crushes on guys who don't give a shit about me. Who don't care to. Who love the attention from me until they find someone better.

Next time you wonder why i'm anti social? Now you know. I can't meet people anymore. Everyone's turning out to be such disappointments. Doesn't anyone just want something real anymore? Same goes for my friends. Or lack thereof. I am only connecting with...Torin, Mel. Cade..Liz..Tonya..Ashley. None of them live here of course. Yet they are here. If I need to talk .. or whine or just..whatever They're here. It's funny that the people who are here can't even manage that. It's sad I can honesty say I have no friends right now. That's not an emo statement. I think i'm content. Sure, i'm lonely, but I know i'm a good person. I'd do anything for my friends. I've been there for quite a few friends after boys have dumped them .. anything. Yet i'm going through this awful thing. Driving myself literally insane, disorderly and sick over something and who's here that I could possibly talk to? Just .. relax with, cry with. What the fuck ever? No one I thought would be.

I'm juror 017. But I think nameless wonder passing partial judgement is much better.